Wednesday, August 28, 2013

I Haven't Got Time For the Pain

LAST NIGHT WAS ANOTHER occasion for my psyche to undertake the job of healing itself. I'm convinced that my dreams, especially the ones where I have deep feelings, are little doses of yesteryear that need to be processed so they can be released. 

There is residual today. I'm still a little raw and emotional but of course I have very little time to deal with it. I'm in an office, with coworkers. Hardly the place for a meltdown. 

Last night's dream, like so many, was centered around Brock and other people of that era. The feelings of abandonment fused with misunderstandings was potent and raw. 

Me, vulnerable, in pain...

During that era, my life was propelled by the feeling of being forgotten. It didn't take me very long to identify it as abandonment. In fact Brock might have been the one to identify it. Although I applied it to my present circumstances, I am pretty sure it was emotional fallout from being ignored as a kid. It was crippling.   

There is a song on John Mayer's Heartbreak Warfare album with the phrase: 

I'm scared you'll forget about me.  

So, back then I took that fear of being forgotten and like a drowning swimmer, I made a lot of noise. This didn't help matters at all. What it did was open me up to tons of rejection, pain and misunderstandings. 

Me, laid bare. 
The same me who had spent the better part of her life inside my impermeable shell. 

Thank you Cate Shepherd 

Isn't this deep? 
I think it is true for adults as well. 

Looking back, my need was very real. Unfortunately I chose a pyromaniac to put out a bonfire. 

Which just proves that people who are emotionally damaged are often not very good at self-diagnosis and self-treatment. They really shouldn't trust themselves. And maybe we as a society should look beyond the behavior to what the wounded soul really needs. 

I like that my sleeping self knows what to do to help me be a more capable adult. I'm going to be fine. 

Do you have dreams that are healing you? 


5 comments:

Tina Fariss Barbour said...

A very powerful post, Grace. I'm glad your dreams are healing ones, even though they are disturbing.

I wish I understood my dreams better. I have disturbing dreams sometimes, but I can't seem to get a handle on what they are trying to tell me, if anything. I hope healing is going on even if I don't understand them.

healingbywriting.com said...

Grace, I'm glad your dreams are healing and helping you. I've not dreamed in ages. And my last dreams, at least that I remember, were of the last year of my mom's life. And I don't quite know why. Dreams are an important part of us. And sometimes they heal us. Thinking of you.

Anna Maria said...

Grace, I'm happy you feel your dreams are healing you. I find that I dream more disturbing dreams when I am under stress. I think it's just our subconscious willing to put into words in dreams what we really don't want to when we are awake. Fortunately, they seem to fade from mind as the days go by. Happy days to you, you really do have a lot to look forward to!

Mindy said...

Great post.

I've had two horrifying dreams recently, which isn't typical for me. I even said something to my husband the other day about trying to Google them to see if there's an explanation. I woke up from one with the worst terror I think I've ever felt in my life. It would be interesting to know where they're coming from because they were nearly identical. Our brains are so strange.

Donna@Gardens Eye View said...

Grace I don't remember many dreams. I have tried. But I do so agree with that saying about asking for love in unloving ways. I worked with students who had emotional and behavioral issues that were crippling to them in school. And this was my sure fire way of knowing so much about them. If they were acting out, they were needing love and asking for it....one of most satisfying memories of teaching was working with these kids.

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